House Guest From HELL!!!!!!!!!

When you are friends with someone you go out of your way to be a good host and open up your home to them. Staying in Miami, friends and family naturally invite themselves to my place on a regular basis. If I lived in another part of the country I would never see these people, but 80-degree weather in January seems to attract them year-round. A decent hotel will run you $150 a night--$400 if you want to see some water--and a car to get around in will be another $200. These House Guest from Hell are saving over $800, plus they get the sheer benefit of staying with me, and you really can't put a price on that. My guests this particular weekend were two women, older, multi-cultural, and in their early 30's, which are my favorite. These women had cabin fever. They could not wait to hang with a fine brother, like myself, on South Beach… but I disgress.

This weekend started like any Miami day… 80 degrees with a slight breeze, Mojito in hand (For the uncultured, it's a great Latin drink--keep up!), sand between the toes, and tan women from around the globe laying topless on South Beach. There I lay between two women and surrounded by 100's more. Dream life for most, but the typical Miami lifestyle for the locals.

Sounds great right??? BUT...before we could even get to the first Mojito, things begin to go wrong.

When picking their asses up from the airport my gas tank was getting low. I stopped by the gas station to fill up. Do they offer to pay?… No!!! They want to spend that $800 I'm saving them on shopping, I suppose. I wasn't upset, but it registered in the back of my mind.

Driving home we engage in friendly conversation. They begin to ask about my TV show that I have been working on. Little did I know that Krystal, the oldest one, worked for a local TV station back in Colorado; while the younger one, Kodi, had a major in TV at the University of Know-It-All (or Univ of KIA). She offered her professional opinion on why people would not watch it. Even when moving to a new subject she continued to bring it up. Just let it go!

Next we hit South Beach. We go over the bridge with Star Island to our left, where the sun shined off the glimmering ocean. Even though it was noon the streets buzzed with people. Driving down Collins Avenue, the conversation shifts to women. With a heighten excitement Kodi asks “Did you see that lady?” Not certain of which bikini-clad woman she was speaking of I responded, “No, which one?” In disbelief she went on about how great this other chick looked and how I had to have seen her. Low Self-Esteem is so unattractive. I didn't realize which one she was talking about because Miami is filled with exotic women from over 85 countries, so you learn not to turn your head because the next block over there will be another exotic chick that looks just as good. Then they proceed to talk down about their bodies, how they can't compare to these women and how all these people are shallow for looking so good in comparison to them. Yeah, they were right... their European-mix did not put them past a 6, by Miami standards, but don't be mad cause you weren't blessed with good genes; or might it have something to do with that milk shake you are holding in your hands? Maybe, maybe not.

We finally reach the parking garage where parking is $15, which is not unusual. They begin to complain about the cost. Keep in mind that I am saving them a ton of money! They paid, but only because I had no cash. Next, we stop by the Clevelander Hotel, where their outside bars attract tourist starting at 10 am. Mojito time!!! Everything cost a little more in Miami. Our two drinks ran us a little over $20. Kodi reluctantly paid for the drinks on our way to the sand. Before we could get settled on the beach to tan, they begin to complain about the topless women, not because they were offended, but because hers were small by comparison. All I could think was "spare me...just get implants." With all this complaining I look for an out… I call my Uncle who happens to be taking one of his 3-hour lunches from the Private Bank at Bank of America. I met him for lunch. At lunch we discussed the 3 W's that make Miami a paradise: Weather, Water and Women.

Back to reality, I go back to the beach to catch a quick nap. After they finished lying out they were hungry, so we grab lunch at the Clevelander. Being a good host and friend I saved them a couple hundred dollars by making arrangements to get my friend's jeep so that they could use my car for the weekend. We had to go meet him to get the jeep. Because they wanted to lay out we had to go do this during 5-o'clock traffic. Their ungrateful asses complained about how long it took to get the jeep.

We have to hurry to make it back out to South Beach to actually go out. While getting dressed her Fashion Degree from Univ. of KIA accessed my fashionable attire for the night. We were delayed by her self-consciousness of her short hair cut. The long haired women of Miami made her spend an extra hour straightening her subpar hair-do. The hour was in vain since staring at it will not make it grow.

By the time we made it back onto South Beach parking was up to $20. They bitched about paying for this of course. We meet a couple of my guy friends at Clevelander, to start the night off. Ladies got in free but guys were $10, not once did they offer to pay for this out of their $800 savings! Krystal does not drink, even though she seems to be the wilder of the two. She paid for one shot for me and her, which ended up being around $30. She complained, of course! We finally got a call from a friend that was going to get us into this really nice hotel, Singapore. The whole first floor is in all white and equipped with pool table, fine art, sculptures, two bars, and a restaurant. The inside was buzzing, but outside was packed. The outside was filled with beautiful well dressed people, ice sculptures, flat screens, a DJ, two bars, and all white beds that surrounded the pool. Nobody paid to get in, and once again they didn't offer to pick up one drink for me. Not to mention they looked like they were miserable at such a nice place.

Its about 1:30 am and at this point we go back to the Clevelander--which pales in comparison to the Singapore--to party. These old women seemed more at home with these ghetto college students then they did at the hotel. We finally leave out at 4:30 to grab some pizza, which once again they didn't pay for mine.

After worked I called, Kodi to let her know I would be home soon. She was having a hard time sleeping, because she was hungry. I was headed to Wendy's but she wanted pizza and even offered to pick up the tab. Cool, but the pizza places were closed. IHOP was open so I offered to stop there. I got home and we ate together. Afterwards she looked at the bill and asked how much she owed me. I think you offered to pay and the bill is $32, so your ass owes me $32, right??! Wrong! She puts $15 on the table and goes to bed without saying good night or thank you.

The last day, they offered to buy me dinner for helping them save $800 and it was also my birthday. I spoke with them several times during the day and we still had not decided on what type of food. I came home to get ready, and as I get out the shower they informed me that they wanted to go bowling and that they would pick up tab there. Who wants hot dogs and hamburgers? "Not I" said the birthday boy. Then the truth comes out that we were meeting another guy that Krystal had met to bowl. After saving your ass $800, I want some real food at a real restaurant. Then they ask if I could still take them to the airport the next morning.

With a smile on my face I told them that they needed to pack their bags and get the guy we were meeting at the bowling ally to take them to the airport. They laughed and asked if I was serious? As Serious the $800 I saved you? Yes! They had an attitude all the way down to the curb.

In their haste to leave they left a black box. Upon further investigation I realize it's a jewelry box…It all comes full circle. A couple diamond tennis bracelets and diamond earings. They emailed me about them. I gave them my mailing address to where they could mail me $500 for their jewelry. They must think I'm playing so I am sending them the ebay link were they can purchase their own jewelry back.